How To Say 'No' In The Workplace (And Keep Your Boss Happy)

A friend shared recently that he once again found himself bargaining with his 10-year-old son. Apparently, his son is a master negotiator at age 10. Finally, my friend told him, "'No,' is a complete sentence."

I laughed at the time, but it made me think about how much I wished that someone had taught me this important message so much earlier in life. My professional career would have likely been more fulfilling (and I probably would have gotten a lot more sleep).

Perhaps it was the time in which I was raised, but I hardly heard the word "no" uttered in the workplace. The few times I did, I noticed those people were never seen nor heard from again. Someone else was more than happy to take their place. We simply accepted the fact that when your boss made a request, it wasn’t really a request. They often didn’t even wait to hear your response; they knew it'd be affirmative if you wanted a future there.

Did my willingness to step up every time a new project or task evolved help my career trajectory? Absolutely. Was I inspired and fulfilled in my work life? Sometimes. Was I thrilled with my personal life? Rarely.

So, how do you say "no" in the workplace in a way that is well-received and respected? I offer a few suggestions:

Define your professional goals with the person who conducts your performance reviews.

For example, if you have a defined sales goal for the year and taking on tasks unrelated to that goal could negatively impact the likelihood you achieve it, your boss might understand if you decline to spend any extra time on items unrelated to your goal. Goal-setting exercises take on much more importance in this context. Revisit your goals informally throughout the year, if possible, to make sure you both remain on the same page and can adjust as needed should goals change.

Check your motives.

Make sure when you decline a request in the professional environment that your motives are good. For example, if you trust the people you work with and for, there should be no temptation to use the word "no" to manipulate an outcome. There should also be no temptation to get out of doing something simply because it’s hard or you don’t enjoy it, especially when that extra work would help you attain your professional goals.

Think carefully about how you deliver the message.

This is especially important if it’s likely to come as a surprise. Perhaps you’ve taken on everything asked of you and more but now want to back off that approach. Be self-aware enough to be authentic when you deliver this message. Words are powerful, so think about the words you choose. Again, if you have a trusting relationship with the person who will receive this message, that’s a great start, and your willingness to be open and honest will likely deepen that trust.

The words you choose are even more critical if you don’t have a solid relationship with the person on the other end of the message. When choosing your words, try to empathize with the situation your refusal is going to create for that person. It will probably take several tries to deliver the message effectively.

Be willing to accept incremental changes.

Rarely do we get the opportunity to start with a clean slate unless we are in a new position. If you are in a new role, that is the perfect time to exercise these new muscles. But like most of us, if you are trying to make changes in your existing role, you should be willing to accept incremental changes in what you can/should say “no” to overtime. An abrupt change in your willingness to spread yourself thin might cause real resource problems for your boss. Have that tough conversation as needed, and you will probably be very happy with his or her response.

And if you are receiving this message?

Actively listen to what the person is trying to say to you.

Listen to the words they choose. Don’t let your mind wander while thinking of a response, whether you agree or disagree or question what the person really wants — just listen. What a terrific opportunity to take the professional relationship to a deeper level. If you can listen and empathize, the person will know they have been heard, and that’s an important part of developing a deeper level of trust. If you value the contribution this person is making to your organization, listening to them is a tremendous use of your time.

Have the tough conversations.

If your high-potential employee comes to you and starts saying “no,” be willing to engage in that tough conversation and resolve the conflict it might create. Your willingness to hear them out and work with them will probably make them more loyal to you and teach them how to effectively work through conflict. You also have a better chance of keeping your star performers happy and healthy (and a part of your company).

Look around to see if you need to have similar conversations with others on your team.

Think of how brave it was for the person to come to you with this new message and not know how you would respond. If one person is trying to have this conversation with you, you can bet that others are as well. Use it as an opportunity to build a trust-based team: Ask how you can lead them in a way that helps them achieve their professional goals while remaining inspired and enrolled in achieving the results for which your team is accountable.

If you're a high-achieving professional seeking to regain control of your time while still reaching your goals, knowing how to say the word “no” will be one of the most impactful tools you can develop. If you manage people and can effectively receive that response, then you are an important step closer to stronger relationships with your team.

Originally published on Forbes Coaches Council.